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  • Writer's pictureKorinna Duke

On your first birthday

Today is a day I - not so secretly - hoped would look different. Today, you turn ONE! Today, you are eating cake, getting your first birthday pictures done, being spoiled, receiving presents, smiling and laughing like your happy little self. I tried not to, but I had started imagining what your first birthday would look like- what today would look like. What would the theme be? Where would I get your cake? What would you wear? They say I'm not supposed to get too attached and imagine a future with you, but it's almost impossible not to. You and your sister were our daughters. You filled out home with happy noises and you took a piece of my heart that I willingly gave to you. Obviously, I'd give it to you again and again.

But today, you aren't in my house and your pictures aren't taken by me. In fact, I don't know what today holds for you.

You went back home to your mom at nine months old. And the little bit of information I have about how you are doing happened "by accident" when I received a call about you. You and your sister are flourishing. You started walking a couple weeks after leaving us. I had wished that I could've seen that. Your tiny little legs trying to keep up with your sister. What a site that would've been. Obviously, I lost it in the car just hearing the mention of your name. After all, I was the one who held your tiny body just five days after you were born and I fell immediately in love with you. I watched you roll over for the first time, crawl for the first time, and I gave you your first bite of baby food. I had wished to have a life time of firsts with you.

But it's in this sadness that I remember your mom. I think about how she would have felt when I got to experience your firsts without her. She carried you for 9 months in her womb and then a stranger took care of you for nine months out of the womb. I can imagine she was heart broken missing out on life without you and your sister for those 9 months. I'm so glad she gets to love you forever and her broken home is complete again.

Today, on your birthday, I hope your mom is spoiling you and loving you like crazy. But really, I pray for you to experience a joy filled life that knows about our loving God who knew about you before you were in your mother's womb and well before you were in our home.

I pray you know your bio mom loves you, but also your foster mom and dad love you too.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl.


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