My mind keeps chasing these unnecessary paths as we anticipate our girls going home. We’ve found out that everything in foster care is uncertain. The day to day is fairly similar, but when it comes down to the future of our girls, we can’t be too sure. Their mom has been involved since day 1. She’s coming to visits and finishing her “to do list” in order to get her daughter’s back. She has weekly unsupervised visits and now is basically just waiting for the okay from the judge. When we tell people the girls will be most likely be going home sooner rather than later, they usually respond one of two ways.
Response #1. “That’s great.” Yes!! It is. There are so many kids in the system who wish their bio parents were doing well enough to get them back. Our girls have had a mom desiring to be reunited with them since the beginning of this broken road. We are thrilled. Through the conversations we’ve had with her, she seems to be doing everything she needs to do to get them back.
Response #2. “I’m sorry.” This response actually is the one I relate to more. The one that makes me feel a little more justified about my feelings on the matter. Yes, we will be heartbroken when we have to say good bye to our girls. Every day we get closer to their potential home going gets a little more difficult. My husband and I have conversations often on the what-ifs of their life. So many questions. So many concerns we have. All of them stemmed from a deep love we have to make sure these girls are safe and cared for. All of them legitimate. We were told by a fellow foster parent, “If you get attached you are doing it right.” The love we have for these girls is exactly what is required to be a good foster parent. If we accomplished nothing else, we know we did our job.
I’ve found that even in my own mind, I bounce back and forth between response #1 and #2. I so desperately want their mom to have changed, giving up the life that put her daughter’s in harms way, and to know a joyful life with her two girls. I want their mom to succeed. I started feeling this way when I met their mom face-to-face. Through our conversations, I developed a compassion toward her. However, I still want to keep these girls in our family forever. I want to hold them and love them and watch them grow up in our home. I want to be their mom. The tension between these two opposing options is very real.
Thankfully, I’m not in control. We serve a God who is all powerful and knows what is best for our girls more than I could ever imagine. That’s it. On the days where I am overcome with fear for their future, I remind myself of this truth- God is in control. Then I pray over and over that they will be safe and protected wherever they are and know they are loved by the Creator of this universe.